I remember those moments many times…..they come as stray wandering thoughts when the mind needs comfort….a need to slip into fantasy……to soothe itself with honey like thoughts…..sweetness and a little chilly…….that’s what real honey tastes like….thats what i've heard
What I remember seems to touched by the magical….those moments seem untouched by the intellect….they have wonder……a mistiness surrounds them…..and a happiness which comes from innocence……probably for those few years I lived in paradise…..something I probably got with me from where I came :)
Afternoon naps in the quiet gentle sunlight, early morning with my grandfather when he plucked flowers, late evenings watching TV without the lights on….diwali baths early in the morning with my father bursting crackers outside and then in the darkness of the evening with lamps lighting it up….
Only a child could have felt like this…….now when I go back to the places where all this happened I see “reality”…..broken fractured musty relationships, how human beings go on and on like cockroaches…..without destroying things when they get ugly but just dragging on….and on….the noise and pollution…..the loneliness of old age….the ordinariness of death…the ordinariness of most things actually…
When my mind couldn’t take this reality, it dried up ready to die….but for some reason it didn’t …..it wasn’t time I think….
The colours went away…..the smells of the wondrous times disappeared……I was left with nothing
Now when life seems to be coming back, I remember my childhood wonder and awe more concretely……. It makes me smile with love for myself, the way I was so many years back….
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Life Before Death
You entered this world…..
Quite Effortlessly,
A special gift to some around you.
You don’t do much but breathe, cry, eat and sleep.
Life seems rather simple and peaceful.
The village is small but beautiful.
Happiness and contentment are intrinsic to existence.
You think to yourself, Life is surely going to be good.
Time goes by…..
You grow and so does the world around you.
Things appear different from what you remember.
Complexities seem to increase,
Challenges are mind numbing ,
Peace is lost.
Poverty, Indebtedness, Violence every where.
You fail to see life as a gift any longer.
Times goes by……
The struggle continues.
Life seems to be filled with bitter dualities.
To live with family but in constant fear and insecurity,
To Study and not succeed.
To Work and not like it.
To make money in return for the sale of your body, mind and soul,
To marry and not be in love.
To live but lifelessly.
Life seems to get caught up in the web of ‘chances’ and not’ choices’.
Drugs and drinks give momentary relief, but the pain and resentment continues.
Times Goes by.....
Then one day, Life is cut short.
Abruptly.
Shockingly.
Unexpectedly.
And then sudden consciousness dawns upon you –
As your soul begins to leave, first your body and later the world
I should have tried to ‘live’,
Somehow…..,
Anyhow......,
Fighting chances and situations,
Rather than merely succumbing.
And wishing time and again that it would be better to die.
In conversation with a 35 year old, rescued victim of commercial sexual exploitation, succumbing to HIV/AIDS.
Latur District of Maharshtra. 3 years back.
May her soul rest in Peace.
Quite Effortlessly,
A special gift to some around you.
You don’t do much but breathe, cry, eat and sleep.
Life seems rather simple and peaceful.
The village is small but beautiful.
Happiness and contentment are intrinsic to existence.
You think to yourself, Life is surely going to be good.
Time goes by…..
You grow and so does the world around you.
Things appear different from what you remember.
Complexities seem to increase,
Challenges are mind numbing ,
Peace is lost.
Poverty, Indebtedness, Violence every where.
You fail to see life as a gift any longer.
Times goes by……
The struggle continues.
Life seems to be filled with bitter dualities.
To live with family but in constant fear and insecurity,
To Study and not succeed.
To Work and not like it.
To make money in return for the sale of your body, mind and soul,
To marry and not be in love.
To live but lifelessly.
Life seems to get caught up in the web of ‘chances’ and not’ choices’.
Drugs and drinks give momentary relief, but the pain and resentment continues.
Times Goes by.....
Then one day, Life is cut short.
Abruptly.
Shockingly.
Unexpectedly.
And then sudden consciousness dawns upon you –
As your soul begins to leave, first your body and later the world
I should have tried to ‘live’,
Somehow…..,
Anyhow......,
Fighting chances and situations,
Rather than merely succumbing.
And wishing time and again that it would be better to die.
In conversation with a 35 year old, rescued victim of commercial sexual exploitation, succumbing to HIV/AIDS.
Latur District of Maharshtra. 3 years back.
May her soul rest in Peace.
The image, the voice, the story has remained with me since then. And today I somehow mustered enough courage to write it down.
Its unfortunately true that - "Death is more universal than life, everyone dies but not everyone gets a chance to live."
Monday, June 9, 2008
Loss of ideology
As a root canal of my stagnant life and my desperate attempts to infuse some enthusiasm into it- I went to a mall today-by any given standards-the mall's architecture was futuristic in its portrayal of the rise of the urban jungle masquerading vast spaces surgeried with steel glass and cement.
It did not feel that it could have been owned by one person...its life through its brilliantly lit shops looked so colorful and expensive that -my middle class skin itched with the allergy of not being in the bracket of super haves or for that matter that of have nots....
Several times I got lost walking on cement plastered earth and it was only with the help of the platoon of security guards stationed at every metre of the mall-that I could reach for my two wheeler in the parking lot- more tired than before I entered the mall-my thrombus jammed veins looking for rest....
I was feeling small...very small..malls have that kind of effect on me and this place was huge to make me wonder if my salary slip will ever allow me to feel at peace inside the modern temples of consumption.
Consumption determined by our purchasing power( I would say our spending fundamentalism), seems to be the most potent factor in our growth - wonder if that has always been the truth of the times- the city, its new buildings and their flesh baring ads preach the seamless sermon of consumption as if existence has but one goal to its account.
Consumption to me is the next multifaceted orkut or youtube of the city – strangely though making things and people very common in the way they look and behave in public. I have been trying to understand that why most of our generation look and behave the same-common(mass) consumption ?
I find its not that simple-consumption is screened as a highly individualized affair right from the age of being born(remember Johnson and Johnson ads) to greying (HDFC pension plan...Sar utha ke Jiyo) -often suggesting us in ways more than one- what we should be and buy like.
Like religion and politics then, consumption seems to be the new form of human interaction and truly so is creating its own propagandanist and followers with instant gratification being its unique selling power.
With glorification of youthfulness and fun- its dominates our fear of decaying with time and in turn creates spaces in our minds that color every existing thought and behaviour pattern with its potency-making me feel small as a consumer inside the big mall. I realised its this influence of consumption that makes me question the profession I chose over a dozen other ones and makes me miserable and out-caste in front of an IT or MBA crowd.
I have had a very powerful set and system of thoughts that have guided me through all my immoralities and weakness and suddenly they seem to have evaporated leaving me at the mercy of consumption. Ideas made me feel full on a rainy day -they made me feel rich when I had three meals a day-they made me feel useful even when I was skimming books for eight hours-i never felt lonely when I was alone-they filled me with where I was empty.....I used to have an ideology...
Sitting in a multiplex on a weekend – watching sarkarraj-which would not have been possible if the movie tickets were not gifted- I understand that its the erosion of ideology that makes me tired every morning-that I have sprayed the chemical of consumption in my work and life and though the grass looks greener-its standing on a dead soil. My loss of ideology has cost me my peace. I see it better now...
It did not feel that it could have been owned by one person...its life through its brilliantly lit shops looked so colorful and expensive that -my middle class skin itched with the allergy of not being in the bracket of super haves or for that matter that of have nots....
Several times I got lost walking on cement plastered earth and it was only with the help of the platoon of security guards stationed at every metre of the mall-that I could reach for my two wheeler in the parking lot- more tired than before I entered the mall-my thrombus jammed veins looking for rest....
I was feeling small...very small..malls have that kind of effect on me and this place was huge to make me wonder if my salary slip will ever allow me to feel at peace inside the modern temples of consumption.
Consumption determined by our purchasing power( I would say our spending fundamentalism), seems to be the most potent factor in our growth - wonder if that has always been the truth of the times- the city, its new buildings and their flesh baring ads preach the seamless sermon of consumption as if existence has but one goal to its account.
Consumption to me is the next multifaceted orkut or youtube of the city – strangely though making things and people very common in the way they look and behave in public. I have been trying to understand that why most of our generation look and behave the same-common(mass) consumption ?
I find its not that simple-consumption is screened as a highly individualized affair right from the age of being born(remember Johnson and Johnson ads) to greying (HDFC pension plan...Sar utha ke Jiyo) -often suggesting us in ways more than one- what we should be and buy like.
Like religion and politics then, consumption seems to be the new form of human interaction and truly so is creating its own propagandanist and followers with instant gratification being its unique selling power.
With glorification of youthfulness and fun- its dominates our fear of decaying with time and in turn creates spaces in our minds that color every existing thought and behaviour pattern with its potency-making me feel small as a consumer inside the big mall. I realised its this influence of consumption that makes me question the profession I chose over a dozen other ones and makes me miserable and out-caste in front of an IT or MBA crowd.
I have had a very powerful set and system of thoughts that have guided me through all my immoralities and weakness and suddenly they seem to have evaporated leaving me at the mercy of consumption. Ideas made me feel full on a rainy day -they made me feel rich when I had three meals a day-they made me feel useful even when I was skimming books for eight hours-i never felt lonely when I was alone-they filled me with where I was empty.....I used to have an ideology...
Sitting in a multiplex on a weekend – watching sarkarraj-which would not have been possible if the movie tickets were not gifted- I understand that its the erosion of ideology that makes me tired every morning-that I have sprayed the chemical of consumption in my work and life and though the grass looks greener-its standing on a dead soil. My loss of ideology has cost me my peace. I see it better now...
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
dying everyday
dear beings of earth and elsewhere,
one of the truths that i have realized is that life is about dying everyday and getting born the next day. Though simple it may sound it is the most difficult of things to do- but without that our search seems improbable. Like cholestrol deposits around the heart-atleast i seem to have deposited layers of survival on my life-trying to balance things which doesnot allow me to live.its not that i am scared of life but i guess i have made it scary-only purity can make life beautiful and for that i need to cleanse the layers....as our cells die and new are created i wonder why we are trapped in memories.....is it really that hard to die everyday?
one of the truths that i have realized is that life is about dying everyday and getting born the next day. Though simple it may sound it is the most difficult of things to do- but without that our search seems improbable. Like cholestrol deposits around the heart-atleast i seem to have deposited layers of survival on my life-trying to balance things which doesnot allow me to live.its not that i am scared of life but i guess i have made it scary-only purity can make life beautiful and for that i need to cleanse the layers....as our cells die and new are created i wonder why we are trapped in memories.....is it really that hard to die everyday?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
हर लाश चलनी चाहिए...मेरे सिने में ना सही तेरे सिने में सही आग लेकिन जलनी चाहिए
जैनेन्द्र के लिखे हुए ये शब्द मरना मुशकिल कर देते हैं - परिवार,समाज ,देश, दूर की बात लगती है , मेरा अंतर्द्वंद ही मुझे खोकला कर रहा है । सही ग़लत का भेद मिट सा गया है -सोच की सीमाएं लाँघ दी है मेरे मन ने -अब ये सवाल नही रहा हम क्यों जीते हैं -सवाल है कब तक जीयेंगे -हम मर क्यों नही जाते ?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My first posting on the blog...written after much debating with myself..should I, should I not?
Do I have anythin worthwhile at all to say?
But then Kavi's post urged me to write, when she spoke about the angst to search, to find, something resonated inside me and spontaneously replied.
I asked myself, why the search? And then being located as I am in a Women's studies Centre, constantly reading histories of struggles, triumphs, negotiations, I ask myself who do I not feel the energy for change, for transformation that the previous generation felt, why can I not be more like the generation of the 70s? While the answers for our restlessness might lie within, I wonder if it also is a result of the breakdown in movements for social change that we see today? and then is the development sector the answer for this lack of social dynamism?
Do I have anythin worthwhile at all to say?
But then Kavi's post urged me to write, when she spoke about the angst to search, to find, something resonated inside me and spontaneously replied.
I asked myself, why the search? And then being located as I am in a Women's studies Centre, constantly reading histories of struggles, triumphs, negotiations, I ask myself who do I not feel the energy for change, for transformation that the previous generation felt, why can I not be more like the generation of the 70s? While the answers for our restlessness might lie within, I wonder if it also is a result of the breakdown in movements for social change that we see today? and then is the development sector the answer for this lack of social dynamism?
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