Life Before Death

You entered this world…..
Quite Effortlessly,
A special gift to some around you.
You don’t do much but breathe, cry, eat and sleep.
Life seems rather simple and peaceful.
The village is small but beautiful.
Happiness and contentment are intrinsic to existence.
You think to yourself, Life is surely going to be good.

Time goes by…..

You grow and so does the world around you.
Things appear different from what you remember.
Complexities seem to increase,
Challenges are mind numbing ,
Peace is lost.
Poverty, Indebtedness, Violence every where.
You fail to see life as a gift any longer.

Times goes by……

The struggle continues.
Life seems to be filled with bitter dualities.
To live with family but in constant fear and insecurity,
To Study and not succeed.
To Work and not like it.
To make money in return for the sale of your body, mind and soul,
To marry and not be in love.
To live but lifelessly.
Life seems to get caught up in the web of ‘chances’ and not’ choices’.
Drugs and drinks give momentary relief, but the pain and resentment continues.

Times Goes by.....

Then one day, Life is cut short.
Abruptly.
Shockingly.
Unexpectedly.
And then sudden consciousness dawns upon you –
As your soul begins to leave, first your body and later the world
I should have tried to ‘live’,
Somehow…..,
Anyhow......,
Fighting chances and situations,
Rather than merely succumbing.
And wishing time and again that it would be better to die.

In conversation with a 35 year old, rescued victim of commercial sexual exploitation, succumbing to HIV/AIDS.
Latur District of Maharshtra. 3 years back.
May her soul rest in Peace.

The image, the voice, the story has remained with me since then. And today I somehow mustered enough courage to write it down.

Its unfortunately true that - "Death is more universal than life, everyone dies but not everyone gets a chance to live."

Loss of ideology

As a root canal of my stagnant life and my desperate attempts to infuse some enthusiasm into it- I went to a mall today-by any given standards-the mall's architecture was futuristic in its portrayal of the rise of the urban jungle masquerading vast spaces surgeried with steel glass and cement.
It did not feel that it could have been owned by one person...its life through its brilliantly lit shops looked so colorful and expensive that -my middle class skin itched with the allergy of not being in the bracket of super haves or for that matter that of have nots....
Several times I got lost walking on cement plastered earth and it was only with the help of the platoon of security guards stationed at every metre of the mall-that I could reach for my two wheeler in the parking lot- more tired than before I entered the mall-my thrombus jammed veins looking for rest....
I was feeling small...very small..malls have that kind of effect on me and this place was huge to make me wonder if my salary slip will ever allow me to feel at peace inside the modern temples of consumption.
Consumption determined by our purchasing power( I would say our spending fundamentalism), seems to be the most potent factor in our growth - wonder if that has always been the truth of the times- the city, its new buildings and their flesh baring ads preach the seamless sermon of consumption as if existence has but one goal to its account.
Consumption to me is the next multifaceted orkut or youtube of the city – strangely though making things and people very common in the way they look and behave in public. I have been trying to understand that why most of our generation look and behave the same-common(mass) consumption ?
I find its not that simple-consumption is screened as a highly individualized affair right from the age of being born(remember Johnson and Johnson ads) to greying (HDFC pension plan...Sar utha ke Jiyo) -often suggesting us in ways more than one- what we should be and buy like.
Like religion and politics then, consumption seems to be the new form of human interaction and truly so is creating its own propagandanist and followers with instant gratification being its unique selling power.
With glorification of youthfulness and fun- its dominates our fear of decaying with time and in turn creates spaces in our minds that color every existing thought and behaviour pattern with its potency-making me feel small as a consumer inside the big mall. I realised its this influence of consumption that makes me question the profession I chose over a dozen other ones and makes me miserable and out-caste in front of an IT or MBA crowd.
I have had a very powerful set and system of thoughts that have guided me through all my immoralities and weakness and suddenly they seem to have evaporated leaving me at the mercy of consumption. Ideas made me feel full on a rainy day -they made me feel rich when I had three meals a day-they made me feel useful even when I was skimming books for eight hours-i never felt lonely when I was alone-they filled me with where I was empty.....I used to have an ideology...
Sitting in a multiplex on a weekend – watching sarkarraj-which would not have been possible if the movie tickets were not gifted- I understand that its the erosion of ideology that makes me tired every morning-that I have sprayed the chemical of consumption in my work and life and though the grass looks greener-its standing on a dead soil. My loss of ideology has cost me my peace. I see it better now...

dying everyday

dear beings of earth and elsewhere,

one of the truths that i have realized is that life is about dying everyday and getting born the next day. Though simple it may sound it is the most difficult of things to do- but without that our search seems improbable. Like cholestrol deposits around the heart-atleast i seem to have deposited layers of survival on my life-trying to balance things which doesnot allow me to live.its not that i am scared of life but i guess i have made it scary-only purity can make life beautiful and for that i need to cleanse the layers....as our cells die and new are created i wonder why we are trapped in memories.....is it really that hard to die everyday?